Sunday, May 23, 2010
Sometimes when I think of home, a flash of fear stabs me right in the heart. It's irrational and silly, but I am worried that if I go home, I'll find that I no longer belong there. Or here, for that matter. Then what does that leave me with when I'm in between worlds, spaces, homes and friends?
So much has happened since I've left. I'm afraid that the world has moved on, and everything is not as it used to be. And then there's me. Trying to figure out where I stand amidst all this constant change. Xin Yi jie once wrote that I am like a cockroach - easily adaptable and impossible to get rid of because I will never say die or give up. Not the most flattering of comparisons but she meant it in the nicest way. There are times when I think she's right, and there are others when I doubt myself. I fear change, the unknown and possibilities. How can I be easily adaptable when I fear all these things that are constant in life?
I dread the day I go home, to find that the places I used to know so well aren't the same anymore;to find out that the people and friends I know and love have changed so much that I have no idea what's going on in their lives anymore; but most of all, to find out that being home feels foreign instead. Too many pieces of my heart scattered about and left behind, it feels like it's impossible to collect all the pieces and make it whole again.
I probably won't feel this way tomorrow. Thank goodness.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
I think one of the reasons why amusement parks are so popular with people of all ages is because they make you forget. For a few hours, a day even, the moment you step into an amusement park, you forget everything else except that you have to have fun. I think everyone becomes a kid again once they step into an amusement park.
It's a wonderful feeling really. All the things that are troubling, worrying or stressing you out fade away for a few hours. No thoughts about assignments or jobs, no worries about the problems and dramas of everyday life. Just pure, unadulterated joy of reliving childhood memories of fun, being captivated by all the attractions and rides, souvenirs and performances. Enjoying the adrenaline rush as you fly through the air upside down 5 times in a row. I wish we could feel that way everyday. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I wish feelings like those could be collected in bottles. And every time we're in need of a pick-me-up, we could open those bottles and unleash all those feelings again.
Escapism. I think everyone needs a healthy dose of it from time to time. Be it in the form of amusement parks, or television series or just going to the movies. Everyone needs it.
The moment we stepped out of Movie World, my sister made a joke saying: "Uh-oh, everyone just put on 5 years on their age" and Umbrella Man continued by saying: "Yeah, I can feel all my wrinkles coming back!"
It was a joke. But that was how it really felt like. Ominous as it sounds, I could literally feel the weariness settle in my heart as we left. The crazy life of assignments, house chores, group work. Being a student is probably the easiest part of life. But still...
And it's not just walking out of amusement parks. It's seeing the family come and go. Having lots of people in our tiny apartment bustling about, taking turns to use the bathroom, watching TV and YouTube videos (Ahmet the terrorist, Auntie's failed reversing, Russell Peters), waking up in the morning and seeing everyone gathered at the breakfast table - to just you. You and an empty apartment.
I think I've forgotten how good writing feels. Not writing for assignments. Just writing from the heart. Greg is right - it is a form of release.