Sunday, May 23, 2010
The Truth About Forever.
Sometimes when I think of home, a flash of fear stabs me right in the heart. It's irrational and silly, but I am worried that if I go home, I'll find that I no longer belong there. Or here, for that matter. Then what does that leave me with when I'm in between worlds, spaces, homes and friends?
So much has happened since I've left. I'm afraid that the world has moved on, and everything is not as it used to be. And then there's me. Trying to figure out where I stand amidst all this constant change. Xin Yi jie once wrote that I am like a cockroach - easily adaptable and impossible to get rid of because I will never say die or give up. Not the most flattering of comparisons but she meant it in the nicest way. There are times when I think she's right, and there are others when I doubt myself. I fear change, the unknown and possibilities. How can I be easily adaptable when I fear all these things that are constant in life?
I dread the day I go home, to find that the places I used to know so well aren't the same anymore;to find out that the people and friends I know and love have changed so much that I have no idea what's going on in their lives anymore; but most of all, to find out that being home feels foreign instead. Too many pieces of my heart scattered about and left behind, it feels like it's impossible to collect all the pieces and make it whole again.
I probably won't feel this way tomorrow. Thank goodness.