Sunday, May 23, 2010

The Truth About Forever.


Sometimes when I think of home, a flash of fear stabs me right in the heart. It's irrational and silly, but I am worried that if I go home, I'll find that I no longer belong there. Or here, for that matter. Then what does that leave me with when I'm in between worlds, spaces, homes and friends?

So much has happened since I've left. I'm afraid that the world has moved on, and everything is not as it used to be. And then there's me. Trying to figure out where I stand amidst all this constant change. Xin Yi jie once wrote that I am like a cockroach - easily adaptable and impossible to get rid of because I will never say die or give up. Not the most flattering of comparisons but she meant it in the nicest way. There are times when I think she's right, and there are others when I doubt myself. I fear change, the unknown and possibilities. How can I be easily adaptable when I fear all these things that are constant in life?

I dread the day I go home, to find that the places I used to know so well aren't the same anymore;to find out that the people and friends I know and love have changed so much that I have no idea what's going on in their lives anymore; but most of all, to find out that being home feels foreign instead. Too many pieces of my heart scattered about and left behind, it feels like it's impossible to collect all the pieces and make it whole again.

I probably won't feel this way tomorrow. Thank goodness.


Jowee said...

I don't know what to say, because I can relate exactly. But you know Swan, when we signed up for being bffs, the contract says "forever". So its going to be forever, even if we do change, I'll still be here, and I'll still love you. If not, you can get your best lawyers and sue. :)

Adele said...

well, i guess everything changes! But as long as you still know who you are etc. everything will be fine then!=D like how i cannot guarantee that we'll be as close but i'm sure we'll work it out!!!!!!!!!!!! =) missing you lots and lots. <3

Swan.T said...

Awww.... my two best girls!! You guys make me feel so much better always. I miss the both of you LOTS too!! <3
And yesh, our contract is "forever"! And I believe I won't ever need the lawyers. ;)