Cut My Life Into Pieces.

As I grow older, I find that I have less tolerance and patience. Odd isn't it? One would think that as one grows older, one would acquire more tolerance and patience while learning to smile and communicate politely whenever the situation calls for it. In other words, knowing what to do and just the right thing to say for every situation.

I hate it. I have absolutely zero tolerance for entertaining nowadays. I hate how we have to pretend everything is okay and face the world when it's not. I hate the stupid save-face Asian culture we adhere to where everyone has to put on their best facade and pull on an unrecognizable mask whilst playing the ridiculous game of "let's pretend". I hate how everything is so perfectly contrived on the outside yet so irrepairbly broken on the inside. And in Greg's words, I hate the whole "dancing around short fuses and slighted feelings" situation. I hate how we have to be on our toes all the time. It's like dancing a neverending en pointe - everyone's shit exhausted but still has to stretch those facial muscles into a smile because the show must go on.

In spite of all these, the cracks still show. Then, why bother? Really... why do we bother to hide and pretend when you deliberately pour acid down the facade for it to corrode and let people bear witness to it. I don't understand how we became this way. I don't understand how the ties that are supposedly the strongest can be broken so easily and forgotten.

I'm sick and tired of this and will be glad to leave this all behind. Maybe leaving isn't such a bad thing anymore. Such a selfish thing of me to say. But I am. Selfish. I am probably the most selfish person on the face of this earth, but if it means I can pretend that it's not there and doesn't exist then whatever... I can't be bothered. If leaving is my one way ticket to get off this turbulant ride then I'd take it.

I think the first sign of imminent trouble is when you think it's okay. When you think it's justifiable for someone to treat you in a certain way. When you don't stand up for yourself or give yourself a voice. When you don't retaliate. When you feel inferior but in reality, you should be equal. When you settle. When you try to accomodate another person's needs to much that you forget what it is that you want. Forget the essential things that you need. That make you well, you. Forget yourself. You lost yourself in a search to help find someone else.

I think I'll make a promise to myself. I vow to never let anybody treat me in similar ways.

Screw this shit.

I don't know if I can.